When we started our journey with Child Protective Services, we never intended to foster babies. In fact, we were only in it for adoption, and we knew we wanted to adopt older kids. But when I heard about the need for stay-at-home mamas to foster babies, I was hooked. You see, when a baby is discharged from the hospital, he needs a mama who can stay at home with him for at least 6 weeks. Most day-cares don’t take babies younger than that. That’s really tricky for parents who work full-time outside the home. Most of them don’t have the luxury of taking off for six weeks at a time every time they get a new placement. So we signed up.
Our foster babies
Our first foster baby loved to watch The Golden Girls. He was only about 4 months old when he came to us, but his previous foster mama wrote me a letter letting me know about his affection for the theme song. Sure enough, when he heard, “Thank you for being a friend…”, he kicked and squealed with delight! This little dude was a joy to care for. He brought us so much love and laughter and we were sad when he went back home, but we trusted that his caseworkers had his best interests in mind.
Our second foster baby came to us straight from the hospital. I remember getting the call in the Walmart parking lot. We’d just left the store, but we went right back in and bought diapers and formula. The social worker brought the baby that evening. He was only a few days old but he already had a curly little afro! We loved “Baby Boo” and took care of him for about 6 months. He got to go live with his grandparents and we were definitely sad when he left.
I’m no expert, but I did learn a few things from our time fostering babies. These are a few of those lessons:
1. Love them like you mean it.
It’s easy to love babies! They’re squishy and sweet and they smell so good after their baths. You get the privilege of bonding with a baby through the hours spent cuddling, rocking, feeding, and just holding them. But I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that there were some hard times too. I remember several nights that seemed to blend right in with the days. Was it colic? Teething? A growth spurt? The mushy, gushy feelings weren’t there anymore and it felt like more of a chore to love during those times. But those are the times when you get to love anyway.
2. Know your role.
I always thought of caring for my foster babies as if I were caring for my best friend’s babies. I loved them and nurtured them, but I knew they weren’t mine. This concept can be especially difficult if you are fostering with the hope of adoption one day. Often, babies in the foster care system do become available for adoption, but not always. Reunification is an important goal, especially in the beginning of the case. Understanding your role as a foster parent means loving and nurturing and bonding, all while understanding that this may not be a forever-relationship. That’s hard for most people, even for the most amazing foster parents. But this is one of the most important parts of taking really good care of babies in the foster care system.
3. Ask for and accept help.
There are so many people who would love to help with your foster baby, but sometimes they don’t know exactly what to do to help. Fostering is no time to be bashful about your needs – ask for help! Your social worker can provide you with great resources, but you’ll have to ask what’s available. Your child’s CASA worker or Guardian Ad Litem is one of your child’s best advocates, so contact them to see what they can do to help. Friends and family members often want to help in more tangible ways like providing meals or help with childcare. Take them up when they offer! (I remember one time that my BFF, Jill, who was also a licensed foster parent, offered to take Baby Boo for a night so that I could have some rest. When I woke from 12 hours of solid sleep, I was so glad I’d said yes!) Your church is also an excellent place to find help, but churches don’t always know what you need. An important part of advocating for your family is speaking up about your needs!
4. Love and let go.
We do this with biological kids too. It just happens more quickly with foster babies. Remind yourself that you are stepping in to provide love and care when your foster baby’s bio mama and daddy just can’t (for whatever reason). Your job is so important! Love hard. Then when it’s time to let go, cry your tears and let them go. You won’t have any control over where they’re going. You won’t know if it’s a safe place or if their new caregivers will love them like you did. This is where we remember that God loves this little one more than you or I ever could. He will watch over them and you can rest assured that you have loved them well. Never stop praying for your sweet foster baby. (Mine are now big old 13-year-old boys out there somewhere now). God knows. Love and let go.
5. Prioritize self-care.
When our foster babies left our care, we took our three year old daughter to the beach. That trip was more for us than it was for her. We needed a break and we wanted to spend a little time just the three of us. That trip was a really important part of our foster/adoption journey. We had fostered two babies and three big kids and we were tired. It’s important to look out for your own needs and the needs of your bio family. Daddy will need to take over baby-duty so that Mama can go walk around Target for a little while. Mama will need to take an extra feeding at night so that Daddy can get a little more sleep. A babysitter will need to come and provide childcare so that you guys can have a date-night. And sometimes, you’ll just need to grab take-out instead of worrying about a home-cooked meal. Take care of yourselves and each other so that you will be able to take care of your foster baby.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. I could go on and on about foster care and why you absolutely, positively should do it. Think you’re too old? Nope. Think you’re too busy? Hardly. Think you could never love a baby and let them go? You’re wrong about that. That baby needs someone who will love them so much that her heart breaks when he leaves.
I would love to chat with you more about foster care and adoption. You can always email me at amber@thestronghome.com and we can start a conversation. I would love to walk with you and stand by you on your journey to foster babies, preschoolers, big kids, or teenagers! Let’s chat soon.
